The First Try
The First Try
Recently, I was speaking with a close friend about her divorced parents. We are both children of divorced parents, and we often lean on each other when navigating the dynamics of blended families. Multiple active text threads, full schedules at Christmastime, and the steadfast prioritization of our own healthy marriages come with their own sets of joys, and they come with their own sets of heartaches, especially for this close friend and me who wear our hearts on our sleeves.
Her parents have been divorced for several years, and not much has changed about their relationship. But, so much has changed within their family. They’ve welcomed sons-in-law, grandchildren, career moves, and more. Yet, their relationship has remained the same; it is one of tension and heaviness. It lacks softness and ease.
I asked her, “Has it always been this way? Did they begin their divorced relationship with tension and heaviness?” She answered, “Yes. It’s always been this way. Things began on a tough note, and they’ve never really found their new footing.”
This led us to a discussion about the beginning of something new.
We agreed on this point: when you begin something on a tough note, it’s very difficult to recalibrate. It’s difficult to reel it in. Your idea of a better-case scenario gets further and further away from you; it feels further and further out of reach. And, the more time that passes, the harder and harder it becomes to begin again.
On the contrary, when you start something on a good note, it feels difficult in the moment, nearly impossible perhaps, but you’re much more likely to remain on a good note than you are to recalibrate after starting on a tough note.
In other words, beginning well is hard, but the act of re-doing is harder.
I believe this lesson can be applied to many things in my life.
Beginning my day on a good note (an early wake-up, physical movement, and a brief writing session) motivates me to have a good rest of my day. Beginning my day on a tough note (a late wake-up, no physical movement, and a lack of direction) creates a flustered feeling that really lasts throughout my day.
Beginning a new friendship in a way that feels open and flexible motivates me to maintain space within and around the friendship. Beginning a new friendship with expectations and plans creates a more pressurized feeling, is unsustainable, and will ultimately require recalibration.
This list continues.
Beginning a recipe…
Beginning a trip to the farmers’ market with Sullivan…
Beginning a vacation…
We do not always find ourselves at the starting line of a new habit, relationship, or practice. We more often find ourselves in the middle of the race, feeling at peace or feeling a desire for change. But, when we do find ourselves at the startling line, what if we tried to begin really well? Healthily? Honestly? What might that look like for us? How might that last?
So, I leave us with this question this week:
Is there something I will begin soon? How can I begin well? How might I get it right on the first try?
The First Try was written on May 27, 2022. It is the fourth of five essays from 2022 being shared December 22, 2022 and New Year’s Day. You can read the first, The Pursuit of Complexity, the second, A Cumulative Mindset, and the third, Pin It Down, on our New Feed here.
Each essay was first available to Wiley Subscribers. You can subscribe to The Wiley Subscription for first access to all essays here.